Tonight I remembered a good friend of mine, Suzanne, posted about Breastfeeding and I thought I should read it while I work to make a plan on how I will feed this child in light of not only my past experience with breastfeeding but also the future and how things are going to be. Lots to consider, it isn’t as black and white as it was a couple months ago…and while I think I’ve decided, I like to read posts about breastfeeding just to help either cement my choice or give me more to think about.
With Sophia, the girls…they were the broken. There was nothing. And in a perfect storm of trying to make it work, I had the worst LC on the planet. I think if there was a prize for being the worst at something, she would win. In four days at the hospital, I saw her twice. Both times in the middle of the night, when I was on strong medication post-c-section and half awake. She yelled at me once for giving in and supplementing with formula, and threatened to leave and not come back because I obviously didn’t care about doing what was best. Cue many many many postpartum tears. And me begging her not to go {in a non-hormonal state I would have probably told her to take a hike}. But there was literally nothing coming out. And she gave me many guilt trips about everything – it was just a horrid experience. I wanted to breastfeed, but was wildly unprepared. Medication, herbs, vitamins, pumping…those things were not things I had researched because I just figured it would just happen. Because people tell you it’s natural, it just happens.
Almost two and a half years later and I remember exactly how I felt when I dealt with that lactation consultant. I remember what a failure I felt like shaking up a bottle of formula. I put on a brave face, and said it wasn’t a big deal. My daughter was getting fed. No biggie. And in reality, that was totally correct. She was eating. But I was crushed. I remember a friend telling me that I gave up too easily. Maybe I did. I will never know what would have happened had I had a pump, had I been offered the use of a hospital pump, had I been armed with herbs and milk cookies. But I know that when my child was screaming because she was hungry, the only thing I wanted to do was feed her. And if the girls weren’t making the milk…the formula was going to do what needed to be done.
The judgement hurt. I was doing what I knew was best, getting food into her wee belly. But I knew what the tone meant when someone pointed out I wasn’t breast feeding. I heard the comments and read the remarks. The thing is, none of it changed what my body was capable of. The judgement didn’t magically help me breastfeed. In fact all it did was stress me out more, which probably stood in the way of any sort of milk production.
But months ago I decided that I would breastfeed this baby. That I would be armed with cookies, teas, vitamins and herbs…and if I smelled like maple syrup for the rest of my life because of the amount of fenugreek in my body…SO BE IT. I was going to give it my all. And I knew more this time. I know it will hurt, I know that it is probable that I will deal with issues with supply, I know what I need to demand from an LC and what to request from the staff & hospital. I was able to ask people like Suzanne questions {as well as the milk-production-triplet-mom-goddess-Jenny}, explain my concerns and talk to them. And they were honest. They didn’t toss glitter and magic unicorn dust at me and tell me it would just happen, relax, I was worrying about it too much.
They are the type of people that we need talking about breastfeeding. They are the type of voices that need to be heard about the fray. Because there is constant judgement and pushing of views and side way glances. And yes, it comes from both sides. And I find it ridiculous. WHO CARES. In the post that started this brain dump of thoughts {which I realize now this thought process probably isn’t as clear as it was in my brain, but go with me} Suzanne says “The bottom line is because mothers have found more information and more support and more honesty about breastfeeding there are more babies getting more breastmilk.” And I wanted to hug her through my screen {Suzanne, just remember those times we hugged in August and pretend I was doing that today}.
The judgement of choices of parents only isolates us. All of us. Even the one judging. It pushes people away, it causes us to worry, it causes stress. I wanted to breastfeed, but support was so lacking that when a nurse offered me formula, I said absolutely. I was already feeling guilty because I didn’t have a better pillow {so said crappy LC}. I was already feeling guilty that my body failed and went into labor a week before my already scheduled c-section {see, another thing to feel guilty about}. I was feeling guilty about everything possible. And then here was this baby crying. And there was no support. I didn’t know what to ask, who to ask, what I was doing. I didn’t bother asking the message board I had spent my pregnancy on because reading a lot of ”It just happens naturally. Just go with it. Mother nature designed them for this job. Your body will just do it” was obviously just going to add to my guilt. It takes honesty. Nothing about parenting is easy. Almost none of it just comes naturally. Where there isn’t some emotional tole, there is likely an physical one. And the only thing to get people to join your ‘team’ is to be welcoming, to be honest, to offer support even when the person gives up. Because ‘giving up’ isn’t the easy way out. None of this is easy.
All of us want to do what is best for our children. The tone that by giving up, that by not trying for reasons that are none of anyone’s business, that doing things differently than the strongest lactivist means that you don’t want the best for our children…it has to stop. It has to stop now. It pushes people away from trying. It pushes people into feeling guilty for their choices. And guilt does not sway people the way you want it to. It isolates people. It makes people bitter. It turns people off.
If you want to be a breastfeeding advocate be the kind that offers support. Answers questions honestly. Doesn’t hide behind smoke and mirrors. You will only scare people away with the lies.
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