Tonight I remembered a good friend of mine, Suzanne, posted about Breastfeeding and I thought I should read it while I work to make a plan on how I will feed this child in light of not only my past experience with breastfeeding but also the future and how things are going to be. Lots to consider, it isn’t as black and white as it was a couple months ago…and while I think I’ve decided, I like to read posts about breastfeeding just to help either cement my choice or give me more to think about.
With Sophia, the girls…they were the broken. There was nothing. And in a perfect storm of trying to make it work, I had the worst LC on the planet. I think if there was a prize for being the worst at something, she would win. In four days at the hospital, I saw her twice. Both times in the middle of the night, when I was on strong medication post-c-section and half awake. She yelled at me once for giving in and supplementing with formula, and threatened to leave and not come back because I obviously didn’t care about doing what was best. Cue many many many postpartum tears. And me begging her not to go {in a non-hormonal state I would have probably told her to take a hike}. But there was literally nothing coming out. And she gave me many guilt trips about everything – it was just a horrid experience. I wanted to breastfeed, but was wildly unprepared. Medication, herbs, vitamins, pumping…those things were not things I had researched because I just figured it would just happen. Because people tell you it’s natural, it just happens.
Almost two and a half years later and I remember exactly how I felt when I dealt with that lactation consultant. I remember what a failure I felt like shaking up a bottle of formula. I put on a brave face, and said it wasn’t a big deal. My daughter was getting fed. No biggie. And in reality, that was totally correct. She was eating. But I was crushed. I remember a friend telling me that I gave up too easily. Maybe I did. I will never know what would have happened had I had a pump, had I been offered the use of a hospital pump, had I been armed with herbs and milk cookies. But I know that when my child was screaming because she was hungry, the only thing I wanted to do was feed her. And if the girls weren’t making the milk…the formula was going to do what needed to be done.
The judgement hurt. I was doing what I knew was best, getting food into her wee belly. But I knew what the tone meant when someone pointed out I wasn’t breast feeding. I heard the comments and read the remarks. The thing is, none of it changed what my body was capable of. The judgement didn’t magically help me breastfeed. In fact all it did was stress me out more, which probably stood in the way of any sort of milk production.
But months ago I decided that I would breastfeed this baby. That I would be armed with cookies, teas, vitamins and herbs…and if I smelled like maple syrup for the rest of my life because of the amount of fenugreek in my body…SO BE IT. I was going to give it my all. And I knew more this time. I know it will hurt, I know that it is probable that I will deal with issues with supply, I know what I need to demand from an LC and what to request from the staff & hospital. I was able to ask people like Suzanne questions {as well as the milk-production-triplet-mom-goddess-Jenny}, explain my concerns and talk to them. And they were honest. They didn’t toss glitter and magic unicorn dust at me and tell me it would just happen, relax, I was worrying about it too much.
They are the type of people that we need talking about breastfeeding. They are the type of voices that need to be heard about the fray. Because there is constant judgement and pushing of views and side way glances. And yes, it comes from both sides. And I find it ridiculous. WHO CARES. In the post that started this brain dump of thoughts {which I realize now this thought process probably isn’t as clear as it was in my brain, but go with me} Suzanne says “The bottom line is because mothers have found more information and more support and more honesty about breastfeeding there are more babies getting more breastmilk.” And I wanted to hug her through my screen {Suzanne, just remember those times we hugged in August and pretend I was doing that today}.
The judgement of choices of parents only isolates us. All of us. Even the one judging. It pushes people away, it causes us to worry, it causes stress. I wanted to breastfeed, but support was so lacking that when a nurse offered me formula, I said absolutely. I was already feeling guilty because I didn’t have a better pillow {so said crappy LC}. I was already feeling guilty that my body failed and went into labor a week before my already scheduled c-section {see, another thing to feel guilty about}. I was feeling guilty about everything possible. And then here was this baby crying. And there was no support. I didn’t know what to ask, who to ask, what I was doing. I didn’t bother asking the message board I had spent my pregnancy on because reading a lot of ”It just happens naturally. Just go with it. Mother nature designed them for this job. Your body will just do it” was obviously just going to add to my guilt. It takes honesty. Nothing about parenting is easy. Almost none of it just comes naturally. Where there isn’t some emotional tole, there is likely an physical one. And the only thing to get people to join your ‘team’ is to be welcoming, to be honest, to offer support even when the person gives up. Because ‘giving up’ isn’t the easy way out. None of this is easy.
All of us want to do what is best for our children. The tone that by giving up, that by not trying for reasons that are none of anyone’s business, that doing things differently than the strongest lactivist means that you don’t want the best for our children…it has to stop. It has to stop now. It pushes people away from trying. It pushes people into feeling guilty for their choices. And guilt does not sway people the way you want it to. It isolates people. It makes people bitter. It turns people off.
If you want to be a breastfeeding advocate be the kind that offers support. Answers questions honestly. Doesn’t hide behind smoke and mirrors. You will only scare people away with the lies.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Good for you! Seriously. First off, what a b-word of an LC! Awful! My LC at my Ped’s office saved my life. And my boobs! I am glad to hear you area going to try, and glad to hear you have a positive mindset, too. Did anyone tell you about the Nursing Mother’s Companion? That book rocked! I a no expert, but having nursed my daughter for like ever, I like to think I can offer whatever support is needed. So if you need any, you know where to find me!
I think posts like these and the ones you linked to are great. Breastfeeding is natural, but it sure as hell isn’t always easy. I’m sorry you had such a horrible LC and I commend you for deciding to try again with your next.
People on both sides get so riled up, and it just hurts the cause. I’ve got a friend that is a HUGE breastfeeding advocate. Her second and third children never had bottles, and she nursed her third son until the week he turned 2, when she had to stop for medical reasons. She still doesn’t feel comfortable at LLL because of what happened with her first child. He got extremely sick with botulism and was in the hospital from 3-6 months old. He couldn’t nurse, but she pumped all the time. When he came home at 6 months, he was still sick but she tried to get him back on the breast. It didn’t work. When she called her local LLL, they basically told her she should have tried harder. Now I’ve been to many a LLL meetings, and even mentioned that fact we supplemented with formula until my milk came in. No judgement. And that is how it should be.
“I wanted to breastfeed, but was wildly unprepared. Medication, herbs, vitamins, pumping…those things were not things I had researched because I just figured it would just happen. Because people tell you it’s natural, it just happens.”
Yep. This same thing happened to me. I produced NO milk. I had no idea that could even happen. I went into it thinking breastfeeding was just natural and it’s what you did, etc. No one told me how hard it was for most new mothers and no one told me that maybe my body wouldn’t be on board.
However, unlike you, although I was extremely unprepared I did have a LC at the hospital that was at least mildly helpful and I had a wonderful husband who rapidly researched things I should be doing to try to help milk production so I did try herbs, teas, cookies, pumping (with a hospital grade pump) and feeding and pumping and feeding and STILL nothing happened. I say this because you shouldn’t feel bad about not doing these things/not knowing these options existed (because, well, you shouldn’t feel bad period
) because it still may not have helped!
I’m nervous about whether I’ll be able to produce milk for future pregnancies, but I guess the benefit to having trouble before is at least going into it this time you will know that it’s not as simple as most people make it out to be. All you can do is arm yourself with information (which you’ve done!) and go from there.
GL! I’m sending you lots of milk making vibes! I really hope it goes better for you this time around!
How heartbreaking that your LC didn’t offer the use of a pump! When G got jaundice and we had to be separated for a night, I pumped all day to make two ounces of milk for a 3 AM feed for him. The staff, all of them, were nothing but supportive and helpful with the process, especially because I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to feed him properly while separated.
I don’t know how long you tried, but c-sections can delay the milk coming in. I wish you the best in trying the second time around! Being armed with knowledge beforehand can make a huge difference. Also, if you get a bitch of a LC again, don’t hesitate to kick her out and demand another one.
Oh my gosh, thank you for posting this! I too had zero support with breast feeding. I saw the LC in the hospital one time and the only thing I remember was her showing me a couple of thing and then giving me the number to a lactation help line. I had no idea what I was doing and I certainly wanted to breast feed. I did for about 3 1/2 months, but then I had supply issues and stopped. If I had the information then that I have now, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have tried to keep it up a lot longer.
I think one of the things you have working for you is experience – even though things didn’t work the first time you’ll be better prepared the second time. It’s also easier to be much more chill about baby-related-stuff just because you’ve been there done that and you know babies are damn hard to screw up as infants.
One of the things that I’ve been thinking a lot about is how breastfeeding LOOKS easy. I bet when I whip out a boob to calm Caroline it looks totally natural, just the way the LC’s tell you it’s supposed to be. But that’s because of MONTHS AND MONTHS of crying and nipple shields and thrush treatments and bleeding and mystery problem that were only solved by the baby getting bigger and better at HIS job in the nursing relationship. I had a great LC (after I tracked one down and paid her to help me) but almost everything I learned was from real moms at a breastfeeding support group who weren’t afraid to tell it like it was. Oh, your nipples hurt so much you want to die? Pump (gently) and get some soothies and give the baby a bottle so you have time to heal. The die hard lactivist experts aren’t going to tell you that – they’re going to scream about nipple confusion while you suffer in pain.
I am ALWAYS here for help/advice/bitching if you need me and I will always tell it to you straight.
I also had the bitchiest LC ever. I can’t wait until our next child because I fully intend on telling her off the second she walks through my hospital room doorway to give me some “pointers”.
I agree with Suzanne…I learned the most about breastfeeding from other mothers. I didn’t even step foot into a real live support group…I turned to the moms I “met” in an online forum for help, answers and suggestions.
I had SO MANY problems with low supply with Spencer. I found a decent LC, but not until 8 weeks and the damage was done. I breastfed until 19 months, but supplemented with formula from 6-8 weeks on. I’m determined to at least breastfeed some of the time with the twins. We will be in this together. If you have any questions about supplements, medications, pump to increase and food for production feel free to ask. I have tried them all…
I chose to breastfeed. I was adament about it.
Then I had to stop at 2 weeks because I had a severe anaphylatic reaction to the epidural that kept getting worse. I had to take steriods, thus putting baby at risk so I stopped.
I was devestated.
I would call the cities health nurse and I will never forget her words
“It doesn’t matter how the baby is fed, as long as he is loved and that he is nourished with food from any source you are doing a wonderful job as a parent”
I just don’t understand how we are all pitted against each other…by some invisible line. There is no right way or wrong way to feed your child.
It’s a choice.
Choices should not be up for debate
I really liked this post, especially what you said at the end about how judging how one feeds their child leads to isolation… even when you’re the one judging.
My experience was very different than yours. I breastfed exclusively because I felt self-conscious and like “less of a woman” because I needed help getting pregnant and a stick of pitocin in my arm to go into labor. Breastfeeding worked well for my us, but after the first year when she started getting really sick and I had to keep nursing while doctors poked and prodded and tested and guessed what was wrong… people started to judge me. I was a freak for nursing for so long. I finally stopped on her second birthday because I was four months pregnant with number two and it was causing problems with this pregnancy. Regardless- that judgment makes you feel like shit- no matter which side you’re on.
Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and with nursing this time. I hope you have a better support system than with Sophia.
I had the same exact issue with my daughter. c-section, no milk, shitty lc, all the moms in my circle could breast feed and I was the only one using formula. I remember them lecturing me about how I need to try harder. When my son was born three months ago I was determined to breast feed, I got a better lc, I also informed my nurses in recovery that I had such a bad experience last time. I had a VBAC with my son, I was able to breast feed, but due to his cleft they were forcing a tube in his mouth with formula while I was breast feeding. In the end, I lasted a few weeks while supplementing. I think because of your experience last time you will have a better experience this time.
(((((()))) After the baby comes and you need support/vent whatever. get a hold of me.. i’m still up all hours of the night..
Alena-
I know EXACTLY how you feel! Olivia is 3 1/2 months old and have just started to experience difficulty in breastfeeding. I went and got some fenugreek pills at the local nutrition store as well as some Women’s Support Tea to help with milk supply. When you have the little mister and you need to vent or ask questions lemme know because I know all to well what happens when you are working full time and breastfeeding as well. It isn’t easy but so worth for you and the baby!